I love being a mommy. I thought I’d struggle to adapt to motherhood. I never thought in my whole life, I could be so cheesy about something (or even refer to myself as, and use the term ‘Mommy’ *cringe*). But I freaking love it.
I’ll preface by saying B is an easy baby. He has slept incredibly well his whole life. I’m convinced quantity and quality of sleep has a direct correlation to how one transitions into parenthood. He is the lowkey kid I needed as a high strung woman. So, I give B most of the credit here.
Additionally, I’d like to preface with another two things: 1) whatever your experience was going into parenthood is completely valid. Even if it was a rough transition. And 2) I promise, I will not become a mommy blogger.
I was expecting a rough transition into motherhood. Everyone told me how hard it is, and I expected to be living in fight or flight every day.
However, B and I did not have the start I was anticipating. After a traumatic birth complication, I ended up spending his first day of life in the ICU on life support. We did not get that baby bonding time at first. The best they could do was give us each a tiny fabric heart to put on our chests that the nurses would periodically swap out, so we could get to know one another’s smells. Weird, but the small gesture helped in a very trying time.
Because I was busy being *dramatic* in the ICU, my husband had to solo parent B, not knowing if I would ever make it out to parent with him. Andrew threw himself into parenting as a welcome distraction. He made sure B was fed, became a swaddling pro, and made sure to take care of me all the while.
This set up for a strange start to motherhood. Once I was released from ICU and back up to the maternity center 36ish hours after B was born, I had to learn to be a mom, while facing a slew of medical challenges of my own.
My focus was on survival for both of us.
It’s odd to be a new mom in this way. The baby boy I bonded with and carried for 9 months already liked Dad better. Great.
I felt late to the game. I was the awkward parent. Andrew knew what B liked and didn’t like. I was playing catch up. And I couldn’t swaddle worth a damn.
Although I struggled with times of envy and resentment over those first few days of his life, I have come to accept that the way things happened allowed Andrew and I to truly split parental duties. For the first few months, both B and I were relying on Andrew to take care of us in some capacity.
Of course, I knew Andrew would be an amazing parent. We frequently talk about roles and responsibilities, and the invisible load of being a woman and a mom. What I have come to realize is my tendency to control often leads to me taking on more than necessary. I deliberately tip the scales so I take on more.
Although I will always wish I got the sacred Golden Hour with my son in his first moments of life, I have found a deep lesson in the beauty that can happen when I give up control.
When I give up control (whether intentionally, or am forced to as I was in the ICU), things get handled. My husband, who was always a bit uncertain around babies, can learn and become the most amazing dad. My parents, sister, and wonderful in-laws came to care for me. My body began to heal without any additional pressure to me. My son can simply be a good sleeper with just a little guidance from us. Beautiful and natural things can happen without me constantly intervening and taking on so much pressure.
This realization has helped me get out of my own way in parenthood. On the nights of no sleep, I can simply be there and soothe my baby. As B was learning to walk, instead of hovering over his every step in efforts to prevent a fall, I learned to allow him to try, and was there in times he may have slipped.
At the end of the day, I really have no expectations of who B will be. Before daycare drop off every day, I give him a kiss and tell him to have fun, learn lots, and be kind. Whatever he ends up doing, being and creating in life, I hope he never loses sight of those three values.
Rachel Slifka 